Out of nowhere the memory rolls in. Like a distant thunder rumbling it’s warning of rain, a single memory comes rolling ahead of others, and fills my eyes with tears.
You are a few hours old. I jolt awake and you’re staring silently; your grey blue eyes unblinking. You’re chubby with barely a hint of blonde fuzz on your head, such a contrast to the one before with her dark waves and obvious intent to conquer her little world. We watch each other silently. I’m not sure what you are. You seem uncomfortably wise. I close my eyes to dislodge the thought. Sleep comes.
When I awake your big blue green eyes are glowing joyfully with each button pressing round of your “twinkle star suckie”, a music playing pacifier and favorite among your extensive collection. You dance around bobbing your cotton candy fluffed head to the tune. I scan the room, surveying the chaos of three under five.
When I look up from the mess, your eyes, (green, or grey, or yellow, I’m not sure in this moment) peer through your wild main of golden waves, full of frustration and fear. You have come at me like a wounded lioness. I have failed you, which is something you don’t know how to express anymore than I know how to receive. I glance away in hot fear.
Through blurred vision, I see you sitting at the foot of my bed, your wild main tamed by a sensible knot, one hand resting atop the blankets that cover my feet. You are once again silent and absorbing, but now armed with faith. I am straining to see from the chasm. I drift off into a chemical sleep. Sorrow passes.
You wear a crown of flowers. In your eyes, there are flowers too. The music swirls around us like the breezes in this dusty heat. You stretch out on the blanket and shoot me a smile. We close our eyes and soak in the sounds.
When I look up you’re gazing at him, weaving a stray tendril in and out of your fingers. It takes you a moment to remember I’m in the room, and when you do, your eyes are asking if I can see it; if I’m okay. I know my eyes are smiling, because you are happy. Yes I see it. I don’t know if I’m okay. I’m not sure if I have seen you with enough clarity. I’m not certain that you have seen the depth of my love. I wonder if what was seen was enough.